by Walt Humphries
Aye, this be a Halloween Horror Story that could shiver your timbers, make your blood run cold or even put a bee in your bonnet. Reader discretion is advised and recommended.
The Pumpkin Spice Monster has already returned and is roaming the land consuming everything and anything it can lay its hands on. It’s in the aisles of the food store where you would least expect it. It takes up half the menu at the drive-throughs of fast food places, it is mentioned in countless ads on the television, radio and internet.
Most traditional monsters like vampires, werewolves, zombies, ghosts or politicians, you can deal with by hitting them with a combination of rubber mallets, magic swords, silver bullets, holy water or the truth. It can be as simple as one blow or vote and they are out. But what do you do with a demon that seems to be everywhere and is growing bigger and more ubiquitous, more sinister and pervasive every year. Warn the children, warn the elders, warn everyone that the Pumpkin Spice Monster is out to get them.
The only way to avoid it would be to go out to the bush from August until January and sever all ties with civilization. Then you might possibly escape its wrath. Legend has it that once you partake of this evil, dreadful stuff you will be forever changed into a cross between a mindless yuppie and a self-centered generation X,Y, or Zer. The horror of it all.
They say that if you want to defeat an enemy or horrible monster, you should learn of its origins and find its weak points. So let’s start with its origins. Pumpkins are native to the Americas. A cache of seeds, that was presumably put aside for planting, was found in Mexico and dates back seven to 10 thousand years. So people have been growing pumpkins for a long long time. Pumpkin are a type of squash and are basically tasteless and benign when cooked. They go nicely in soups or stews and can be used as animal fodder.
It wasn’t until 1796 that an American cook book had a recipe for pumpkin pie. I assume it happened like this. Someone needed some pies for dinner and discovered they had no ingredients. So, Martha said to George, “We have a culinary emergency here. Go grab a couple of those pumpkins you were feeding the livestock and I will see if I can work some kitchen magic and turn it them into a tasty pie filler.”
After they had made the rather vile and tasteless pumpkin puree, they started adding ingredients to make it more palatable. Molasses, ginger, mace, allspice, cream, sugar, garlic, cloves and honey. Basically, anything in the kitchen that they could lay their hands on. Some worked, some didn’t. In the 1950s, McCormick Foods started to produce a commercial pumpkin spice containing cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and sulfiting agents. I reckon it might have been the sulfiting agents that created the evil demon we know today.
Like the alchemists old, they just kept adding ingredients until they got a mixture that worked. In 2003 Starbucks hit the jackpot when they made a pumpkin spice latte. By adding milk, greed and status, a monster was born. The latte was a major success economically and everyone seemed to want to cash in by making their own pumpkin spice product. However here is a dirty little secret: there ain’t no pumpkin in pumpkin spice.
So that is the banshee we are facing. The magic potion that would kill this Goliath is if people stopped buying anything that even hinted of pumpkin spice. And when you encounter this evil shout out “I mock thee pumpkin spice.”
Do it now people, before it consumes the globe. Think of all the strange and weird things economically, politically and globally that have happened since 2003. Coincidence? I think not.
Now think of the night of the living dead. I have this nightmare; I am being chased and surrounded by the yammering babbling brain dead, who are clutching pumpkin spice lattes in one hand and pumpkin spice jelly donuts in the other. Oh, the horror of it all.
Next week, I hope everyone has a good Halloween but for heaven's sake don’t take any pumpkin spice flavored Halloween treats or you will be forever doomed.