TALES FROM THE DUMP: Let the gas pass

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If thou farteth in public and people mock you or pretend disdain, hold your head proudly and loudly proclaim that you are just exercising your constitutional right. And if its not a constitutional right, it certainly should be.

Now, I know some people are real prudes about this and even pretend that they don’t fart, at least not in public, but they are liars, fart deniers, uninformed and misguided. The good folks at the National Gastronomical and Intestinal Association, claim that people fart on average 10 to 20 times a day. Even though many people don’t count their farts or think they don’t fart that often, they are ignoring the fact that you can fart in your sleep and not even know it.

Moreover, the good doctors claim that holding farts in can be bad for you and possibly even deadly. Let’s face it, that gas in your intestines has to go somewhere. It could get absorbed into your blood stream and cause an increase in heart rate and blood pressure. It could go back into the stomach and cause indigestion or bad breath.

It can certainly cause mental and emotional stress. Or as kids would tell other kids at school, “Don’t try to hold it in too long Billy or your intestines might blow up.”

Not sure it ever happened but it was an urban legend.

Since everyone farts you would think people would be more understanding.
In 1781 Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay to the Academy of Science, that is often called Fart Proudly. He humbly suggested that they fund some research, on how to make farts smell better. Among other things, old Ben was a bit of a wag and humourist, so his essay was ‘tongue in check’ as they say, but it’s not a bad idea. Maybe odourless and soundless farts will be a thing.

I was in high school and had just had an operation done on my knee so was I hobbling around on crutches with a big leg cast. Due to the after effects of the operation, my intestines were going through a phase, with a lot of rumbling, grumbling, gurgling and gas.

I was sitting in class and could feel a big fart coming. I raised my hand, so I could be excused to go to the washroom. The teacher, who was a bit of a battle-axe, ignored my hand for awhile, then in exasperation demanded “Well?” I gave my request and she reluctantly agreed but by the time I got up and was hobbling out of the door, the pressure was too much, and I let out a mighty blast.

For some reason the teacher took this as a personal insult.

I then spent several hours down in the principal’s office, explaining my misfortune. Oddly enough the principal and I knew each other well, as I seemed to be prone to student-teacher misunderstandings.

Contrary to the rumours that were circulating, I hadn’t done it on purpose. I hadn’t broken anyone’s ear drums or blown out any windows. As for the smell, I think it was greatly exaggerated.

The teacher overreacted and was just being persnickety when she opened all the windows in the class “to air the place out.” No one had fainted, passed out or even complained. Classmates said they smelt nothing at all.

Just so you know, most farts are made up of four per cent oxygen, seven per cent methane, nine per cent carbon dioxide, 21 per cent hydrogen, 59 per cent nitrogen and less then one per cent mercaptans and hydrogen sulphides. But it is that less than one per cent that causes all the smell and certain foods like pickled eggs and fermented cabbage can up the smell considerably. You are what you eat.

Also, you will note that a fart contains greenhouse gasses. So, the next time a vegetarian sanctimoniously berates you about climate change, point out to them that vegetarians fart more than meat eaters and hence they are personally responsible for producing more noxious fumes and greenhouse gas, than you are.

Also, point out to those who say hold it in, that the tighter you make your sphincter the louder the noise will be when you finally pass wind. Your little toot will turn into a mighty roar.

Fart proudly. It proves that you are human and not a mindless, fart-less robot.

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