Last week I went to another friend’s funeral. That’s quite a few in the last several years. This time it was Joey Desjarlais, who was born and raised here but moved to Vancouver as a young man.
Although Joey had periodically come back home for a visit, he had been gone for so long that some people said they didn’t even know Joey had two daughters. Over the years he did a lot of travelling and called people from all over the world.
The service was quite moving, or I should say hearing about Joey’s life was very moving. Three people spoke, starting with his older daughter Christina, who is a lawyer.
Christina spoke about her relationship with her father and how one of the most important things he had imparted on her was to be proud of her Indigenous heritage and culture.
As a result, when she was called to the bar, Christina insisted on wearing her traditional Tsimshian regalia, something the Law Society of Ontario had never allowed before. She later visited Joey in the hospital and told him that she had done that for him.
My brother Guy then spoke about his relationship with Joey which included things about when they were teenagers, as young men, and later when Joey was in the hospital. He also spoke about how proud Joey was of his two daughters.
The last speaker was Joey’s younger daughter, Katie who is a business student.
A very moving part was when Katie described how Joey brought her to a little stream close to his hospital and they prayed to the Creator. Part of Joey’s prayer was to ask the Creator to look after his daughters as he would no longer be on earth. This humble gesture impacted Katie a great deal.
Following Joey’s interment at the cemetery, we went to the Yellowknife River for a wonderful feed of fish and various salads, along with lots of stories, songs, laughter and tears. Quite a day, and it all helped us to deal with Joey’s death and get a form of closure.
Funerals and other ceremonies help us to deal with death. People who ask for no funeral think they are being helpful, but they are actually prolonging the time their loved ones are grieving; the funerals and/or wakes help us deal with death.
Another thing that helps us deal with death is not saying a person “passed”, or is “gone” or was “lost”. It’s better to say the person has died, because acknowledging the death starts the grieving process.
And don’t tell a child that “grandma is sleeping”, because he may become afraid to sleep or think that someone else will die if they sleep. It’s better to find an age appropriate way to tell him the truth.
Sources of loss and grief
And the thing is, it’s not only death that brings feelings of grief. Say what?
Yup, actually, pretty well any change can bring on feelings of loss, which causes grief. If it matters that something was there, it will matter that it’s gone no matter whether the change is a sad or happy one.
For instance, changes in relationships bring loss and cause grief. In addition to death, other things can trigger the emotion of missing them, including times like births and other forms of additions to a family, pregnancy, miscarriage, breakups, marriage, or a child leaving or returning home.
You’ll notice there are happy things included. That’s because the change involves a loss of the way things used to be.
For example, when a man gets married he gains a wife and he also loses certain freedoms. And he may lose the home that he lived in because they now live together. Those losses have to be acknowledged and dealt with.
And let’s not forget changes in work like a promotion or demotion; changes in surroundings, for instance being incarcerated or released from prison; or changes in your physical or mental self, like trauma or personal injury.
So, the funeral of Joey helped me to re-evaluate grief and loss and to see their complexities.
I’m thinking of the people in my life who died over the years, how they impacted my life, and how it is only fitting to honour their memories.