My computer is on the brink right now with a frozen space bar and a sticky delete button so while I wait for my new computer to be delivered, I have to write by hand. I find this very difficult because my hand cramps up after a while and technology has made me lazy and spoiled.
It didn't take me long to give up trying to write freehand so now I am at the library in the "writer's room" — a room that I just learned existed and I am using their computer to write this column. I recently just got back from Victoria where I spent the last week getting settled into my new rental home after selling my trailer in Yellowknife and making the big move to go back to school.
I found out that I had been accepted into the Indigenous Law Program at the University of Victoria in April and had just a few months to get everything ready to make this huge life changing decision. Even though it's exciting, it's scary at the same time and I have my doubts. I mean, I am probably going to be the oldest person in the class which will automatically make me feel out of place. Not to mention, the decision to leave my career behind here in Yellowknife and put my creative writing on the back burner. Focusing the majority of my attention to studying law is not going to be easy.
What if I fail? I ask myself. I have never been any good at tests and I didn't do very well on my LSAT's which is why I was so surprised when I heard the news that they accepted me into this esteemed program.
How could I turn down this opportunity? No, I have to go. So I sold my house and am using the equity to pay for my tuition since I ran out of grant money to go back to school a long time ago. So while sitting in an empty house in Victoria waiting for my furniture to be delivered, I wondered: am I really making the right decision? I felt so overwhelmed those first few days of being there. I felt homesick and lonely.
Here I am, a mother of two children hauling my family and what's left of my belongings – mostly sentimental stuff and things that didn't sell in my garage sale - across the country to go back to school and start a career as a lawyer.
NNSL file photo
Is this a pre-mid-life crisis? When will I even be able to retire? At 90-years-old?
I'm going back to being a broke student and will have to scheme up ways to make money again, legally of course. How am I going to handle going to school full-time and have a part-time job to be able to afford the lifestyle that I am now used to?
Maybe I'll go back to doing aesthetics part time? The wheels are turning again.
Capitalism and fear
This is how capitalism creates fear of change, fear of following our dreams. My studies start in September and I don't even have a schedule yet? Did I read the acceptance letter right?
Was I hallucinating? Did I really get in? Then I stop myself from the worry and the stress and just remind myself - with the help of loved ones - that I am working towards bettering myself and I am going to be able to do amazing things with this hard-earned piece of paper.
I'll be able to work on the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Woman and Girls Calls to Actions, or the Indigenous Housing Crisis helping people to reclaim their lands.
I can work towards making overdue and necessary changes within the broken justice system. I can work pro bono and open up my own law firm. I can even document my law school journey like I am doing right now and make a part two of Northern Wildflower.
Wait a minute, I can still write? I can still write. So why am I doubting myself? I only have one life and I am on a journey. I have to believe that I am on this journey for a reason and do the best I can and forge onward through the fear and the doubt.
Life is about taking risks, it's about conviction; it's about believing in yourself and going after your dreams which is what I've decided to do. In trusting my journey I have never been led astray by the faith that I hold onto and rely on so much. The North will always be here waiting for me to get back. It will always be home wherever I go.
So here I go.
